The Single Best Parenting Skill
I promise you this seemingly simple skill will work with any child age 2 through teenager and in my profession as a child and family therapist, we rarely make promises! If you’re looking to strengthen your bond, relationship, trust, and approachability—this is key. If you’re looking to teach emotions, empathy, and respect—this is a crucial developmental building block. Validation. Validation is the single best skill a parent can learn to do with their child.
The Single Best Parenting Skill
I promise you this seemingly simple skill will work with any child age 2 through teenager and in my profession as a child and family therapist, we rarely make promises! If you’re looking to strengthen your bond, relationship, trust, and approachability—this is key. If you’re looking to teach emotions, empathy, and respect—this is a crucial developmental building block. Validation. Validation is the single best skill a parent can learn to do with their child.
You may be thinking to yourself, “Isn’t validation agreeing with and giving in to whatever sassy comment or tantrum my kid throws at me?” No. According to vocabulary.com, “Validation is making sure that something is true.” As a parent, you’re seeking to understand your child’s “truth.” Through validation, you’re saying, “this feels true for you” despite your interpretation of events. We all have our perspectives and lenses through which we try to make sense of and experience the world. If you think about it, this is exponentially true for kids who are experiencing all their firsts in life and trying to interpret the disappointments, excitements, losses, and hurts that come their way. They need you as their guide teaching them how to put words to their experience and affirming they have someone in their corner that “gets me and sees me” without fear of shame or judgment. It’s incredible so many layers can be impacted through validation.
When kids feel understood by their caregivers, it boosts their sense of value and belonging, which is ultimately what we all crave to feel. The childhood years are particularly ripe for building self-esteem, significance, and identity, and the home should be the best place for a child to feel safe enough to both fail and celebrate life experiences.
Now the question is, “How do I validate?” In simplest terms, according to Mental Health Foundations Emotion Coaching Tips & Tricks, it’s naming the feeling they’re experiencing followed by a because (or two). For example:
❖ “I can see how you might feel sad because your cake pop fell on the floor and now you
can’t eat it and because you were really excited about getting that treat today.” ❖ “I bet you’re angry because your sister took your toy when you weren’t done playing
with it.” ❖ “I can understand how you must’ve felt left out because your friends left practice and
made plans without you.” The basic formula is:
“You felt __________ because __________.”
Besides the previously mentioned trust and value elements, this response also inspires bringing the “thinking brain” or prefrontal cortex back into action to restore a calm state. When kids become upset or dysregulated, their “emotion brain” hijacks the “thinking brain,” which keeps them from being able to use logic or problem solving to move through the situation. One way of looking at this process is referred to as “Name it to tame it” according to Dan Siegel (prominent neuropsychiatrist). As you validate your child and name what you notice to be the
cause of their upset, it causes their emotion brain to stop and think about if you got it right and cracks open the door to their thinking brain, which is the ultimate goal destination. Once this happens, you’re in a much better place to problem solve and co-regulate (model self-regulation and work together on strategies to help the child calm down).
To recap, validation is the single best parenting skill you can use with your child. Validation has the power to build trust, approachability, and relational bond. It teaches emotions, empathy, respect, and regulation. It embeds messages of value, self-esteem, and belonging. This simple sentence structure, offered up time and again as the need arises, is powerful in fostering a sense of trust and will create a depth of relational connection that will last a lifetime.
Additional resources: The Whole-Brain Child by Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish
10 Ways To Learn and Grow Through Conflict
We've all been there. Enduring conflict with a spouse, a friend, or family member where we tried to express ourselves and it didn't go as planned. Maybe we won an argument, but the win was at the expense of the other. Maybe we feel like expressing anger for the sake of release and venting. Or possibly we prefer to say nothing, laugh it off, avoid or ignore the person or situation, or end the relationship.
10 Ways To Learn and Grow Through Conflict
We've all been there. Enduring conflict with a spouse, a friend, or family member where we tried to express ourselves and it didn't go as planned. Maybe we won an argument, but the win was at the expense of the other. Maybe we feel like expressing anger for the sake of release and venting. Or possibly we prefer to say nothing, laugh it off, avoid or ignore the person or situation, or end the relationship.
What if we could transform conflict into an opportunity for new understanding and growth? What if we engaged in interactions which are mutually empathetic and respectful, encouraging honesty and allowing movement to occur because both parties hear and feel heard by the other.
It takes courage to move into conflict and few of us are well trained or supported in this area. Here are a few tips to navigate and engage in good conflict:
1. Stay in the place of vulnerability; don't shift to aggression and power over.
2. Name the difference or issue at hand without accusing or attacking the other.
3. Avoid indirect sarcasm or ridicule.
4. Listen actively and responsibly.
5. Practice staying open to criticism.
6. Be empathetic. Look for mutual empathy.
7. Mutuality: each hears and "tries on" the view of the other. "Hold" the relationship.
8. Each may shift positions in light of what is heard and felt from the other.
9. Each moves toward the other through the experience of hearing and being heard.
10. A solution is found through mutual understanding of and developing new perspective on the issue at hand, based on hearing and being clear. Avoid impersonal, disconnected negotiations and strategies at the bargaining table.
How to Talk To Your Kids About Suicide
Hearing the word “suicide” can evoke immediate feelings of fear, shock, tragedy, sadness, grief and thoughts of “What do I say?!”
How To Talk To Your Kids About Suicide
Hearing the word “suicide” can evoke immediate feelings of fear, shock, tragedy,
sadness, grief, and thoughts of “What do I say?!” Sadly, the rate of child suicide and
suicide attempts have been rising putting parents in a position of broaching the following
questions of “Why” from their kids. Traditionally, the biggest conversation parents had to
fear was about the “Birds and the Bees,” but this is a new generation and with it comes
new challenges that we can’t just expect schools to handle. Generally speaking, it seems
more meaningful and impactful for parents to take the reigns and model being open about
talking through “tough stuff” with their kids. Easy for me to say when there’s nothing
really “easy” about suicide. It’s hard enough to try and understand it as an adult, let alone
explain it to a child, but here we are, and this is what adults and children are now facing
together. In my experience as a child and family therapist, these are some steps in talking
to your kids about suicide:
1. Keep it age appropriate
The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) reports that children as young as 4
will hear about major crisis events and that if they have questions, it’s best they
hear from you rather than social media or outside sources. Obviously, you don’t
talk to your 12-year-old the same way you talk to your 4-year-old, and the same
concept prevails here. Relay information with details fitting for the developmental
and cognitive understanding level of your child. For example, a child between 2-7
years old will engage in learning primarily through pretend play where basic,
short, and true answers work best where a child who is 8+ years old will be able
to have a more concrete, logical conversation.
As a professional who works with trauma, many children who have
histories with trauma can become stuck in a younger chronological age and
function from that younger developmental age even though, biologically, they are
older. With this in mind, a caregiver would approach their child from their
developmental age instead of their biological age.
In general, you are the expert on your child. Trust your gut on what they
can handle and allow them to guide the conversation with their questions!
* For a more detailed breakdown of do’s and don’ts when it comes to talking to
your kids about tragedy by age you can reference these articles:
https://www.healthychildren.org/English/family-life/Media/Pages/Talking-To-
Children-About-Tragedies-and-Other-News-Events.aspx
https://www.today.com/parents/experts-explain-how-talk-about-suicide-kids-age-
2. Take Initiative
Whether it’s a child’s peer that commits suicide, someone in his/her/their social
circle, or you notice significant changes in your own child that suggest they may
be struggling with thoughts of suicide (for a list of warning signs to look for refer
to: https://afsp.org/about-suicide/risk-factors-and-warning-signs/) it’s important to
take the initiative in starting the conversation. Your attunement to what’s going
on in your child’s world communicates, “I see you and want to understand you,”
which builds trust, feelings of self-worth, and validation with your child.
In determining when to sit down with your child, be thoughtful to choose a
time when they are in a calm state of mind –if they’re distracted, stressed,
hyper/hypo-aroused, tired, hungry etc. you will not be in a good place to access
their thinking/reasoning part of the brain (frontal cortex). Choose a time that
allows them a period to process afterward without the pressure of having an
activity (e.g. extra curricular, homework, sports, play date, etc.) or right before
bedtime.
There are different ways you can approach the conversation. The AAP
suggests that a good place to start when initiating conversation is by asking your
child what they’ve heard and then go from there. Another helpful method is to
start with a reflection or validation statement: “I/We know that Billy from school
died from suicide, that probably feels really sad and confusing and I/we’d like to
talk about it with you.” A different example from the perspective of if your child
is showing signs of suicidality may sound like this: “I/we notice that you’ve not
seemed yourself lately in the way you insert examples and we’d like to
understand what you’re going through right now and do what we can to help
make it better.” The point is not to ‘fix’ whatever’s going on, it’s simply showing
up and being available through starting a conversation about what you notice in
your child’s world.
3. Create an atmosphere of “felt safety” to share
What is “Felt Safety” you may be asking – it’s basically an empathic
environmental atmosphere that fosters a sense of physical and emotional security.
It’s a place where a person can be and share without threat of rejection, judgment,
or feeling ashamed or guilty. A parent creates this space through reflecting and
validating their child’s experience and/or reality with the goal of striving to
understand what the child is thinking and feeling. Show willingness to listen
through accepting expression of the feelings and by showing interest and support
to your child. Your tone should be inviting and empathetic and avoid reactions of
fear and shock, which can create disconnect and distance. Don’t be afraid to share
with your child and model voicing how the situation is impacting you – keeping
in mind age-appropriate disclosure that would not further burden your child by
creating a situation where they take on anxiety over your state of mind. Generally
speaking, the aim of creating an atmosphere of “felt safety” is to allow your child
the platform to be open in expressing his/her thoughts/feelings without fear of
your response.
Conversations and approaches to suicide should be restorative in nature –
not meant to stir up more dissention in its content, but to experience a general
sense of well-being and understanding at the conclusion.
4. Don’t be afraid to ask questions and be direct
One fact people may not realize about suicidality is that you can’t make a person
commit suicide or plant thoughts of suicide by merely talking about it. Asking a
person directly if they are feeling suicidal will not make a non-suicidal person
decide they are suicidal. Asking your child (in the present) if they’ve ever felt
suicidal (in the past) doesn’t mean you will stir this feeling up in them again (in
the present). In actuality, asking these types of questions may be a relief for some
children who may not have known how to communicate those thoughts/feelings.
One example of how to ask directly is, “Do things ever get so bad that you think
about dying?” And if the answer were yes, the next follow up question would be:
“Have you ever had thoughts of killing yourself?” By doing this, you have clarity
in asking direct questions and can ensure safety and/or next steps depending on
the need of your child.
5. Know your resources
You are not alone. There are many different levels of resources available to help
address matters involving suicide. You will most likely find helpful suggestions
by asking within your own parenting network as well! If you believe your child’s
life may be in danger, go immediately to your nearest children’s hospital
emergency room. If your child is struggling with suicidal thoughts and ideations,
finding a private, individual, child therapist is an excellent place to start. Other
helpful organizations to contact include:
Community mental health agency
School counselor or psychologist
Closest suicide prevention/crisis intervention center
Family physician
Religious/spiritual leader
Crisis text line (www.crisistextline.org)
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-8255,
https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/)
Keep in mind that there is no such thing as a “perfect parent” and know that when
you sit down to talk to your child about suicide, the thing that means the most is
your genuine, caring, presence with them. We are creatures designed to feel
connection with those we’re closest to, and when that is achieved, there is great
power for healing.
How to Help Your Child or Teen Navigate Stress
It’s October—the leaves are starting to change, the air is a bit crisper, the daylight hours are waning, and your child or teen is starting to exhibit signs of stress. This time of year is when I have noticed an influx of parents bringing their children and teenagers to counseling—they have settled into a new school year; summer is a distant memory; and school work, social stress, and family life are getting busier and busier!
How To Help Your Child or Teen Navigate Stress
It’s October—the leaves are starting to change, the air is a bit crisper, the daylight hours are waning, and your child or teen is starting to exhibit signs of stress. This time of year is when I have noticed an influx of parents bringing their children and teenagers to counseling—they have settled into a new school year; summer is a distant memory; and school work, social stress, and family life are getting busier and busier!
Here are some signs and symptoms that your child or teen might be experiencing stress:
Somatic/physical complaints: Especially stomach aches and headaches; tight muscles, difficulty with sleep, tiredness, loss of appetite.
Verbal cues: “I don’t want to go to school,” “I’m tired, “I don’t feel like doing anything.” Whining, crying, and arguing more.
Non-Verbal cues: Tantrums, quick bursts of anger, fighting among siblings, lack of cooperation, yawning, and lethargy.
Stress is a normal part of our lives and our brains require a certain amount of stress to give us the motivation we need to complete tasks or change behaviors. However, too much stress can put our brains and bodies into overload, causing mental and physical depletion and illness.
Here’s some tips on how to keep you and your family functioning well during the busiest and most stressful time of the year!
Sleep
The National Sleep Foundation recommends that children aged 6-13 years should get anywhere from 7-12 hours of sleep per night; Teens aged 14-17 years should get 7-11 hours of sleep, and adults aged 26-64 years should get 6-10. Research has shown that light from electronics send cues to your brain that it is still daytime and can cause disruptions in your sleep cycle. End screen time 30-60 minutes before bedtime, start dimming lights and create a calm, relaxing bedtime routine.
Nutrition
I don’t mean the latest diet trend to lose weight! Getting enough nutrients at regular intervals throughout the day keeps the body and brain healthy and functioning optimally. If you have concerns about your child or teen’s eating habits, see your primary care physician or a nutritionist for additional ideas and support.
Social Interaction
Neuropsychologists have researched and found that our brains contain circuitry that thrives on positive social interactions! When we do not have positive contact with the important people in our lives, our health suffers. Make time for those you love and care about—you’ll be helping their health and yours!
Exercise
Staying active optimizes our moods, cognitive alertness, and physical health. If your child is not involved in regular physical activity, get out there with them! Go for family bike rides, play a game of neighborhood touch football, or head to the local rec center a few times a week.
Taking Breaks
When you pick your child up from school, be sure not to bombard them with questions about their day or what they learned—save that for some face-to-face time at the dinner table. They have been using their brains for many hours at school, and so have you at work! Let their brain and your brain have some down time and relax for 30 minutes to an hour when first getting home.
I have noticed a cultural trend towards wanting to “push through” and take a break “when everything gets done.” Research has shown that our brains work optimally for about 50 minutes at a time with a 5-10 minute break in between. With the break, the next 50 minutes are more productive than if there had been no break! Don’t wait for summer vacation! Encourage yourself and your children to take breaks here and there every day.
Listening
It seems that especially with teens, I hear often that “my parents don’t listen to or understand me” and sometimes parents feel the same about their teen! Instead of trying to immediately lecture or problem solve when your teen is talking with you, try to slow down and hear what they are really saying. Ask questions like, “What do you think about that?” or “What was that like for you?” Also give them a spoonful of empathy—“I’m sorry that made you so sad” or, “That must have been upsetting for you to hear that.” Empathy lowers the defenses and helps your teen feel safe and understood!
Taking the time to tune into the cues your children or teens are sending you, checking in with them, and practicing these healthy habits can set you and your family up for success in handling stress as they grow and develop.
Here at The Clarity Group we care deeply for children, teens, and their families. We have many counselors and resources to help your family deal with anxiety, depression, and any life transitions you may be experiencing. We can help you on your way to hope restored.
References:
National Sleep Foundation (2015). www.sleepfoundation.org.
Arden, John (2014). The Brain Bible. New York: McGraw Hill.
Contact Marinda:
303-323-4722 ext. 702
Over 60 Conversation Starters To Bring Your Family Closer Together
New Year’s Day is a time to finally stop and reflect after the intense and fast paced holiday season. It is the beginning of winter, a time for the earth to rest and draw inward.
Over 60 Conversation Starters To Bring Your Family Closer Together
New Year’s Day is a time to finally stop and reflect after the intense and fast paced holiday season. It is the beginning of winter, a time for the earth to rest and draw inward. During this season, while the days are short and our hearts are full, it is important to pause and acknowledge all that has occurred, what we have learned, lost and gained. In doing this, we may be able to glean a bit of insight into where our hearts long to take us.
As a therapist, I hear often clients create goals that are shame based, seeking to be something they are not, willing themselves to cultivate a new skill or discipline without taking the time to truly understand why they do the behaviors that got them there. But if you listen to a child, they speak from a position of self acceptance and kindness. They are thankful, proud and eager for what they can accomplish in the future. As adults, we can learn from them, opening our hearts to all they have to say.
These are the questions I ask every member of my family each year. Not only do we ask both our daughters, but we take the time to note what God is teaching us too. Through the years, as they accumulate, we then have a map of all God has done, where we have been, and where we feel inspired to go. I truly hope you find this tradition as rewarding as we have.
Questions for the kids:
What is your favorite color?
What is your favorite activity?
What do you want to be when you grow up?
Who are your closest friends?
Where is your favorite place to go?
What new skill or activity do you want to do over the next year?
What is your favorite thing to do with Daddy?
What is your favorite thing to do with Mommy?
What is your favorite thing to do with your sister?
What makes you scared?
What makes you laugh the hardest?
What makes you sad?
What are you doing when you are the most happy?
What is your favorite thing about yourself?
What have you learned about God over the last year?
What do you want to learn more about over the next year?
If you could change one thing about your school, what would it be?
If you could change one thing about your family, what would it be?
Who do you look up to and why?
What do you wish your parents knew?
For people taking video:
Show me your favorite thing.
Show me the most meaningful thing you made over the year.
Show me a new move you learned your body can do.
Sing me a song.
Questions for the Parents
What new attributes did you learn about your child this year?
What does your child need the most from you right now?
How does your child make you smile?
What does the world see in your child?
What memory do you not want your family to forget in the coming years?
What has your child taught you about yourself this year?
What do you hope to teach your child this year?
What currently is your most common prayer for your child?
Write out a blessing for your child over the next year. Consider what God wants your child to hear?
Example of our blessing from last year
May God’s light guide you, may the angels protect you. And may you know you are loved just the way you are. We say this to each child before they leave for school.
Questions for Daddy:
What makes you smile?
What makes you sad?
What makes you scared?
What keeps you up at night?
What are you proud of over the last year?
How do you hope to grow?
What is your favorite thing to do with Mommy?
What is your favorite thing to do with Eden?
What is your favorite thing to do with Shiloh?
What would you like to do more of if you had more time?
Where have you succeeded a parent?
How would you like to grow as a parent?
What have you learned about marriage over the last year?
What do you hope to learn more about over this year?
What is a favorite memory from the previous year?
What do you wish your family knew?
What does your family need from you this year?
Questions for Mommy:
What makes you smile?
What makes you sad?
What makes you scared?
What keeps you up at night?
What are you proud of over the last year?
How do you hope to grow?
What is your favorite thing to do with Daddy?
What is your favorite thing to do with Eden?
What is your favorite thing to do with Shiloh?
What would you like to do more of if you had more time?
Where have you succeeded a parent?
How would you like to grow as a parent?
What have you learned about marriage over the last year?
What do you hope to learn more about over this year?
What is a favorite memory from the previous year?
What do you wish your family knew?
What does your family need from you this year?
I truly hope this brings you thankfulness and intimacy, with the people you love most!
10 Things A Family Therapist Wish Parents Knew
You know it is time. Your child’s behavior has now reached a point where they would benefit from bringing in outside help.
10 Things A Family Therapist Wish Parents Knew
You know it is time. Your child’s behavior has now reached a point where they would benefit from bringing in outside help. However, the process of deciding who to invite into your son or daughter’s life can be daunting at such a vulnerable time. You want the therapist to connect to your teen but also for him or her to be someone you trust. Your child finally makes a connection with a therapist and is starting to open up. But have you ever wondered what your therapist is thinking? Here is a list of the top 10 things your teen’s therapist wish you knew:
Trust that you are the expert on your kid
A good therapist knows not to base his or her entire perspective on that of a teen. The therapist must work hard to develop a strong relationship with your child; however, they must also consider the opinions and viewpoints of the parents in order to more fully understand the situation at hand. It can be helpful to use the analogy of a CEO and his board to further illustrate the importance of your role. Until the late teen years, you are the CEO of your child’s company. You are inviting us, the therapist, in as consultants. We should earn your respect and trust, bringing the latest research on behavior modification. However, your experience means you will always be the expert on your child. Use those God given instincts to speak confidently with the therapist you are choosing to serve on the board. You will have a relationship with your child far after the therapist comes and goes, so keep your seat at the table and find counselors that instinctually and actively acknowledge your worth.
Showing empathy is not the same thing as approval
As a therapist, we practice for years what is called Reflective Listening. It is a powerful technique that shows the client they are not only being heard, but are understood. So often parents get overwhelmed with the enormous task of keeping a teen safe that moms and dads forget to take the time to help his or her child know they are being heard. Parents can start simply by beginning sentences with, “I hear that you are frustrated” or “You sound overwhelmed.” It is natural for the parent to want to relieve pressure and solve problems; however, if the child feels deeply understood first, they can often come to their own sound conclusions. The parents’ efforts in helping their children understand both the root of their issue and their reactions can be worth every bit of effort.
Negotiate parenting issues and decisions with your partner behind closed doors
Parenting will only be as effective as the united front in which the structure is presented. Many times with children, it feels as if consequences need to be administered quickly. Teens are successful at communicating urgency in many situations and can make you feel you must tell them what will occur to alleviate his or her anxiety. However, if you speak too quickly and then change your mind later, the teen will know the doors are open to negotiations. Behaviors usually continue because they are allowed. If you find your teen raging for days after a consequence has been administered, evaluate your consistency. Taking a few hours behind closed doors to consult with your partner regarding realistic consequences that can be consistently administered and then delivering them as a united team will help to slow down the negotiations and make for a more peaceful home.
If all else fails, remember that you are trying and in the end, that will be deeply matter
A child can be so angry with his or her parent and yet as soon as the parent leaves the room, the teen speaks of how important they are to them. There is no bigger punching bag in life than a parent and a wise mother or father knows they will receive hits if they want to stay on the team. This does not mean a parent has to tolerate disrespect; it does mean, however, that they will not always believe the teen’s initial reaction. Parents can partner with the therapist to investigate the explosive reactions to reveal the deeper currents of their child’s heart.
See difference in parenting styles within the marriage as casting a larger, more effective net
So often, one parent is high warmth and the other is high structure. Parents can engage in bitter arguments regarding which parent is serving the child’s needs more effectively. However, a child being well rounded, raised by a variety of perspectives is the key to emotional health. Let your partner be different than you. Yes, consistency reigns supreme; however, implementing structure is simply style and multiple styles can serve your teen well in the long run. Before you criticize your spouse’s parenting, consider if it is actually damaging or if it is simply different than yours.
You can only take your child as far as you have allowed yourself to go
This is the brutal reality to therapy and parenting – we can only take those following us down the paths we have had the courage to walk. Anxiety, depression and self-esteem are highly contagious and often times the parent’s mental health, happiness and wellbeing must be considered when teaching a teen how to heal themselves. Remember, your child is watching and if you are not kind and truthful with yourself, it is very difficult for the therapist to teach your child to love and be honest with themselves.
There is no bigger self-esteem booster than “What do you think you should do about that?”
Most children have some sense of self-esteem in the early years. It is why a child will sing at the top of his or her lungs in the grocery store. However, many parents watch helplessly as their child loses confidence starting as early as elementary school. Self- esteem is a deeply complicated psychology built on years of investment into your child’s sense of self. Simply asking your child what they believe they should do or how they can make a situation better lets them know you believe in his or her ability to think it through. This endorsement will be deeply felt and eventually appreciated by each teen.
Surround yourself with encouragers, and no, it cannot be your kids
Any parent willing to invest the time, finances and vulnerability of bringing a child into therapy is a parent invested in seeing that child heal and grow. Every parent can tell you ten things they wished they were doing differently; however, they cannot tell you three strengths they are bringing to their child. Parenting is a long distance run and those who finish strong will be the ones that keep investing in their self-care accounts, knowing the withdrawals will be deep. Hold onto friendships, professionals and teammates that encourage and remind you of your unique contributions to your child’s life.
Earning your kid’s trust is far more important than your ability to quickly modify a behavior
There is far more to earning a child’s trust than simply providing for his or her needs. Many times parents do not know the core contributing factors to their child’s behaviors because the teen does not feel they will understand. It is tempting to try and relate by telling the teen stories of your youth but teens do not start listening to parents simply because they have relevant experience. It is only through empathy and seeking to understand that a teen will stay bonded. The skilled parent can listen with fresh ears and an open heart to truly hear the fears and insecurities of each teen, without approving of all behavior.
Your child will only accept the grace to which you extend yourself
Let’s face it. If there were a perfect way to raise a child, you would have read the book and followed it completely. Children being uniquely created and facing different challenges can often leave the parent feeling confused, discouraged and full of regret. Teens pick up on far more than what meets the eye and can often sense the underlying disquiet of their parents. This is the first time you have raised this child at this age and the first time they have tried to do life at this stage too. There are no rough drafts in parenting, only grace. So remember, how you respond to your own mistakes is as important as any reaction that you may show to your child.
The One Question Your Kids Need You to Ask
Self-esteem: we know it is foundational to children’s well-being and yet it is elusive at best to understand how to nurture it within the kids we love.
The One Question Your Kids Need You to Ask
Self-esteem: we know it is foundational to children’s well-being and yet it is elusive at best to understand how to nurture it within the kids we love. It has inherent value and is prioritized and fretted over by all adults invested in growing our kids into mentally healthy people. Parents can identify when it is missing and yet what to do from there often leaves us at a loss. We spend enormous amounts of money making sure our children learn new athletic skills, praise even the most awkward art projects and cheer like mad when they show us their latest trick of hopping on one foot. Building up a child’s confidence may be more simple than we think, yet far harder than we imagined.
When I started my therapy practice, I was confused by the lack of training any therapist or parent can access on how to impart this holy grail of parenting. We know it is important, but other than giving praises, parents are left wondering what else they can do to build the foundation of self-esteem.
Multiple studies through the last decade have reiterated the importance of grit and resiliency in our children; however, this conclusion comes with the assumption that person will have the self-esteem to pick themselves back up after falling and it is worth trying again in the hopes of gaining a different outcome. It seems self-esteem is an essential part of a person being able to manage criticism, challenge and conflict. It is essential in marriage in order for each person to not become codependent, looking for the partner’s praise to accommodate a lack of belief in self. It is important in the later years, when looks fade, bodies ache and both women and men have to find something else within themselves in which to believe.
If a parent asks me what he or she can do to increase their child’s confidence, we explore the basics of parenting, communication and the core of building the child’s psychology. I always ask the parents one question that predicts more than anything else if the child will have a high self-esteem or not. When the child has a problem, does the parent fix it for her or does the parent ask the child what she thinks she should do? There is no more powerful statement a parent can make to increase self-esteem than, “What do you think you should do about that?”
By asking a child what he thinks, a parent immediately encourages the child to keep processing with the parent’s endorsement and guidance. It is like saying to the child, “I know we are in murky waters, but I am right here, holding your hand…keep walking.” When parents ask their child to come up with his or her own solutions, they can not only help to influence the outcome, but they also gain access into the child’s perspective, usually discovering much more about their son or daughter than they ever would have if they would have offered the answer right away.
Why is it so hard for parents to wait on children to find their own solutions? It is because it strikes to the core of our humanity and exposes our fears, insecurities and pain. When my daughter tells me Vivian does not want to sit by her at school, I want to tell her to make new friends and then call the teacher to make sure she is only having my daughter sit next to people who will know what an amazing kid she is! However, when I jump in, I am subconsciously telling my daughter I do not believe she can manage this first taste of social pain. I can feel my own pain bubbling up, threatening to hinder my child’s growth process. If I can take a breath, ask God to fill in the gaps and guide the process, then ask my daughter how that made her feel, what she did and what she thinks she should do about that, I am building the foundation of self-esteem in her that will be essential for years to come. Solutions are the best anxiety relievers in the world. When a problem presents itself and we are uncomfortable, giving our children the answer immediately puts us back in the driver’s seat. To wait on our children’s pace in such a quickly moving world requires peace with the process, a larger goal set in place and becoming comfortable with being uncomfortable. And I hate being uncomfortable.
You are your child’s first great endorsement. Do you want your children to believe you have the answers or do you want them to have a deep-seated belief that the answers lie within and you are simply there to help? It is difficult, but the next time your child has a problem, pause for a moment and ask yourself if you are here to stop pain or to teach the child to navigate it. Asking her what she thinks she should do will invite a lifetime of conversations that will be essential to building the self-esteem that child needs. Pause for a moment and pace alongside your child; the view just might surprise you.